Sincerely, Brown Skin
Sincerely, Brown Skin
The Potential Trap: What You're Really Dating
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you're constantly saying "if he could just..."? Welcome to a heart-to-heart chat with Sincerely, Brown Skin where we deep-dive into the perils of dating based on potential. In this episode, we strip down the illusion of falling for someone's future self, ignoring our own desires, and settling for less in the hope that our partner will metamorphose into the person we want.
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Welcome to Sincerely Brown Skin, a podcast where I'm diving into the intimate areas of your life, on all things relationships, personal growth and self-love. I'm your host, quen, and my goal each week is to provide you with a little advice, a spoonful of encouragement and a sincere reminder that, honey, you are a wonder, you are magical, you are worthy. And then some. Now let's get this quick slide, for goodness. Ladies, I think we've all, at one point in time in our lives, have done this, and you may currently be doing this, depending on what chapter of life you are in right now. But what I am talking about is dating someone based on what we think they can become in the future, dating someone based off potential. When we do that, we ignore red flats, we slowly talk ourselves out of what we actually want and deserve, and we find ways to rationalize more time and more hope that something will change, falling in love with the person that they could be and not who they are. I'm talking about dating someone and ignoring the actuality of their true character, their behaviors and mannerisms, their personality, things that you know are a nuisance to you, things that you know are deal breakers. For instance, he doesn't treat you the way that you like to be treated, but you have that good old confidence that he will eventually learn over time. He's a habitual liar and he's unreliable, but you have that good old confidence he will eventually get it together over time. He's very childish publicly and privately, but you have that good old confidence that he will eventually grow up and mature over time. Ultimately, all he is giving you is one broken promise after one false hope, and those broken promises keep repeating itself, because it's just who he is as a person. And you sit back lying to yourself saying, well, if he can just do this, then it would just be so much better. Girl, stop. You can't fall in love with the self development and the success you see in the horizon for them if they aren't willing to put in the work themselves. Let me break it down for you even further, because this may hit home for some.
Speaker 1:When you think about the person you are involved with at this moment in your life and at any point you find yourself saying, if he could just do this or that, then we will be at Y and Z. If you find yourself mentally irreparably saying that, then, honey, allow me to be the first, second and third to tell you that ain't what you want. He could be a great partner if he can just learn to listen to me and show up for things as promised and prioritize me. He's a really nice guy for the most part, but if he could just stop with the temper tantrums and the nasty words when he doesn't get his way, then we will be great. No, ma'am, he needs to be everything that you desire from the beginning, almost like you wouldn't change anything about him. He compliments you just as he is right now. There's no second guessing it.
Speaker 1:I believe we can all agree that most people are a constant work in progress, as we are continuously growing and developing, and when your partner possesses the self awareness to willingly work on becoming a better version of themselves without you having to push them, that's when you have something special. They acknowledge that they are not yet where they want to be in life, but they are committed to overcoming whatever obstacles stand in their way. And you want to know what else. That determination will be so powerful and inspiring that it will motivate you to strive for more and become a better version of yourself, so that you don't lack by. But if you are sitting around waiting for someone who lets the self will to get their act together.
Speaker 1:Child, you are only causing insult to yourself. What you are doing is bargaining your own worth for someone who cannot even afford half of you. That's when you are going to have to be bowed and pray. God, help me to understand that what I may be desiring is not what I need. I had to pray that prayer some years ago in honey. When I did, it was as though God just created light on the earth, because everything that I could not see before was now so vivid. So I ask you this what type of potential are you involved with right now To Sincerely Brown Skin?